Some people say grandparents have the best of both worlds. They can enjoy their grandchildren and, at the end of the day, hand responsibility back to the parents. Often, though, a grandparent’s desire to cherish grandchildren can be misinterpreted. Many parents say they love sending their kids to grandma’s and grandpa’s—the kids benefit from extended family ties and parents get a much-needed break. But they don’t love how grandparents can undermine parental rules or spoil grandkids.

How do you avoid being accused of spoiling your grandkids? Be consistent about the guidelines your children have for their children. Discuss any differences of opinion about diet, bed-times, or TV-viewing with your own children, when your grand-kids aren’t around. For instance, food can be a stressful area. What constitutes a treat, and how often are treats allowed? You, for instance, may have served your own children cookies or cake on a regular basis (and, yes, they seem to have turned out just fine). But sweets may not be a regular part of your grandchildren’s lives. Or your children are now vegetarians, and are raising your grandchildren as vegetarians, too, no matter how you feel about it.

Even if you disagree with certain aspects of their child-rearing, don’t undercut your children’s values in front of your grandchildren. Discuss rules you don’t like and negotiate compromises out of earshot of your grandkids. Is it OK for you to serve cookies—or hamburgers—occasionally? Or allow late movies on a weekend? Maybe exceptions to the rules are fine so long as your grandchildren understand they happen only once in a while—and as a special departure from what they’re allowed at home.

Cherishing grandchildren means more than giving them material things or allowing them freedoms they don’t get at home. Instead of offering treats, money, or new toys, focus on the relationship itself. Time spent should mean a lot more than stuff. Play a game, take a walk, or complete an arts-and-crafts project together. Teach them something new such as a song from your childhood, a recipe, or how to hammer a nail or throw a ball. Your grandchildren will feel cherished and learn that shared time is more important than possessions. Your children will approach parenting refreshed after the break you’ve provided. And you’ll be confident you’re making a positive difference in your grandchildren’s lives—and maintain your good relationship with your own children.