Dealing with the loss of a spouse encompasses a variety of issues. Widows and widowers face not only the grief and disorientation that follows the death of a spouse or partner, but possible legal and financial issues, as well. The lack of proper estate planning or a will can worsen an already stressful situation. (Many local churches and organizations provide free or affordable legal services for those who need guidance in these matters.) Grief, as well as stress about a life that must now be lived without the familiarity of a long-time companion, can lead to serious depression, even—occasionally—the loss of the will to live.

The Shock of Bereavement. Whether your partner’s death was expected or unexpected, bridging the gap between your old life and your new life is one of life’s major tasks. Grief affects each of us differently, and it may take some time before you know what you need. Remember that you are entitled to mourn and recover in exactly the way that feels right to you at the time, and that your needs will probably change as time passes.

Unsympathetic Sympathy. Well-meant sympathy may come across as unfeeling and misguided. You may hear such painful clichés as “time heals all wounds,” “you’ve got to be strong,” “you should stay busy,” or “I know just how you feel.” Though it may be difficult to be charitable, concentrate on how perplexing and difficult loss is for all of us—especially those who have not (yet) experienced what you are going through now. You can always say “Thank you for your sympathy” to forestall more comments that you suspect may make you feel worse. “No, thank you” or “I’m not sure, but I’ll get back to you” are reasonable responses to well-meaning offers.

Coping Strategies. Even during early mourning, there are coping strategies that may help. Though the first days and weeks may often seem unbearable, several alternatives can help recent widows and widowers survive this initial transition. These include personal relationships, faith and spirituality, and “distractions” such as special self-care, pets, volunteering, and new activities.

• Personal relationships, such as those with family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, and even acquaintances who are part of your regular routine (librarians, grocery store clerks, the folks at the coffee shop) are especially important. Some can offer unlimited emotional support. Others may offer help with specific (and perhaps unfamiliar) chores. Even people with whom you are not on intimate terms can still provide reassurance that there is some continuity in your life, even when such a major part of it has changed.

• Churches, synagogues, mosques, and other places of spirituality, worship, and faith can offer guidance and counseling. Practices such as prayer, meditation, and yoga may help ease the pain, allowing an atmosphere in which you can communicate directly—including sharing grief, fear, or anger—with the God of your understanding.  Grief support groups also provide an outlet where you can share your experiences and feelings with others undergoing the same transition. A professional psychologist or therapist may be able to help guide you through this time, as well.

• Don’t under-estimate how helpful simple “distractions” can be, especially in getting through those first days and weeks, when you may still be in shock, even if you’re still functioning (or trying to).

You may not have the energy to do much at all; grief is often exhausting. Sometimes “staying busy” is bad advice. Try soothing self-care instead: enjoyable healthy food, rest, and perhaps a treat such as a massage or a long soak in the tub. Perhaps the best “distraction” will simply be extra sleep. Get as much rest as you really need and want, and try not to expect too much of yourself. And don’t be surprised if you feel lethargic for longer than is “expected.”

Pets, since they need lots of care and attention, and provide unconditional love, can be invaluable during this time. Sitting with a purring cat or walking an eager and affectionate dog can be the “best medicine.”

Perhaps you are unused to living alone, and need to be around others. Or maybe offering service can remind you of the larger world. If you have the energy, what about volunteering to babysit? (This could include young relatives, or babies and children in your community or local hospital). Or helping at your regular charity or philanthropic organization?

You’ll know when you do need to “stay busy.” Reading, seeing movies, and trying new activities, hobbies, or classes—such as community college offerings—are all ways to take your mind off things, even if the respite is temporary.

A Universal Experience. Though we’re often discouraged from thinking and speaking about “the unthinkable,” death will happen to each and every one of us. However taboo many of us find it, death is inextricably part of life. Though we may not feel ready to cope with this ultimate mystery, each of us will be called to do just that. Situating yourself, your loss, and your grief in this inevitable human experience may help assuage some of the pain.